between love & lust

so this is the way you play the gentleman's game?
you said love, but you left.
well, you win now..
even before you play it, i've lost.
i've fallen love with you.
oh wait..
maybe it was love, maybe it was lust.

a letter to myself

                                                                                                                                    january, 3rd 2013

dear nabila,

i'm here. i'm listening. it's ok, don't cry.

i will sing you to sleep, remember?

i know how you feel.

i'm not gonna say that i know "exactly" what you're going through, because i don't.

we all have different problems, some bigger than others. but that doesn't mean we can't feel, right?

i have bad thoughts too.

they keep coming back.

they're haunting me actually.

eating me away until i'm just some fucking shell.

i'm so tired of it.

sometimes i think that maybe just one little blow will make everything better.

everyone will better off without me.

i'm just too afraid to keep going.

but nabila..,

you've shown me that no matter how bad things get, no matter how useless or disgusting we feel, we must find the strenght to keep going.

we need to realize that we're not alone.

even though we can't choose where we come from, 

we can always choose where to go from there.

i want to be someone, and i think i will be.

i think you will too, nabila.

i hope you know that i'm always here to listen because you've taught me so much even when you felt alone.

but now, you can never be alone.

thank you for everything.

love always,

yourself ♥

tentang hati

ini tentang hati yang terluka..
terluka bukan karena cinta, tetapi tetap saja melibatkan 2 orang manusia

ini tentang hati yang terluka..
terluka bukan karena patah hati, tetapi tetap saja melibatkan seorang lelaki

ini tentang hati yang terluka..
terluka karena tak diberi kesempatan untuk berkata
terluka karena hanya selalu dipandang sebelah mata
terluka karena "kita"

ini tentang hati yang terluka..
terluka bukan karena patah hati, bukan juga karena cinta

ini tentang hati yang terluka..
atau sebut saja..

ini tentang kita, yang terluka.

i miss you

we were both young when we first met.
i used to love you and you do too, maybe.

now we're in the same room..

without speaking..

or even looking..

i miss you..

i miss you even when you're around.

i miss the way you made me smile all the time.

i miss you..

lack

people have their own lack, aren't they?

i've my own lack too. 

i'm fat..

people keep making jokes about my body..,

they think it's funny, but it's not.

they think i amused because of it, but i'm not.

i think, i was in the wrong place.

i made a wrong decision to got along with them.

they're the same person.

oh, God..

it's hard to find a right place to stay.

it's hard to be a-fat-girl.

it's hard to be me.

everyday i always afraid to face a next day..

afraid with another joke which they will tell to me..

afraid to be laughed.

people have their own lack, aren't they?

don't highlight yourself,

because, they're ready to laugh.

unfortunate truth

you meet someone.
you two get close.
it's all great for a while, then someone stops trying.
you talk less,
there's the awkward conversations,
the drifting,
then no communication whatsoever.
the memories start to fade,
the person you know, becomes the person you knew.
that's how it usually goes, right?
it's the sad,
unfortunate truth.

3 months, 6 years a g o

Masih lekat di ingatan tentang 5/6 tahun lalu.. 
Semuanya seakan sempurna setiap kita bertemu. 
Kita masih belia pada saat itu, bertatap matapun kita tak mau. Malu, kataku & mungkin katamu.

Bulan pertama, kita berpisah. Kamu bertanya kabarku & sekolah baruku. Semuanya masih seperti dulu. Baik-baik saja. Kita tetap berkomunikasi.

Bulan kedua, masih sama. komunikasi tetap ada. Bahkan aku semakin mengenal teman-temanmu. aku merasa sangat senang, punya kamu.

Bulan ketiga.
Seingatku kita menjalani ini 3 bulan (aku tak pernah mengingat tanggal kita bertemu). Aku masih menyayangimu, tak tau bagaimana denganmu.
Malam itu kamu menelfon, lalu aku menangis. Kita berpisah. Maksudku, 'berpisah'. 
Ya... Kalau bisa dibilang aku sakit hati karna ucapanmu.
Tapi, keesokan hari kamu datang ke rumah untuk meminta maaf. Aku senang, setidaknya setelah kamu lepas dariku, kamu tidak berubah. Tetap baik hati. 
Haha, entahlah.. Bodohnya aku menangisimu.

2 tahun lalu, setelah 4 tahun lamanya kita berpisah, kita bertemu kembali. 
Kamu tampak lebih kurus. Aku tak menyangka kita akan bertemu lagi di sekolah yang sama.

Hah..
Jujur saja, aku masih memiliki perasaan itu.
Aku masih menyayangimu.
Aku pikir,  kamu lebih dari sekedar masa lalu.
Kamu adalah yang pertama yg tersayang. 
Hehe terlalu berlebihan ya? ya tapi itu yg aku rasa.

Yasudah semoga aku masih sanggup mengingat kisah kita hingga nanti lamanya.
semoga aku masih dapat mengingat kita di masa lalu, untuk diceritakan di masa depan.
Terima kasih karena pernah sempat mampir di hidupku...
terima kasih karena telah memberi pelajaran berharga..
Terima kasih,.. ♡

me, recently

i am a paradox.

i want to be happy,
but i think all of things that make me sad.

i'm lazy,
yet i'm ambitious.

i don't like myself,
but i also love who i am.

i say i don't care,
but i really do.

i crave attention,
but reject it when it comes my way.

i'm a conflicted contradiction.

if i can't figure myself out,
there's no way anyone else has.

alone here, there, everywhere

i like drinking alone and reading alone. i like riding the motorcycle alone and walking home alone. it gives me time to think and set my mind free. i like eating alone and listening to music alone. but when i see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their bestfriend, i realize that even though i like being alone, i don't fancy being lonely.

the sky is beautiful, but the people are sad.



i just need someone who won't run away..

fallen

we fell in love
but time passed
and you climbed out

you left me cold and dark
in the hole that
is love

but after all
i didn't want to get out
i'm still fallen

someday

there will come a time.
you will see, with no more tears,
and love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears,
get over your hill and see what you find there,
with grace in your heart..,
and flowers in your hand.

old friends

gak kerasa udah dua tahun pisah sama temen-temen lama.
sedih, kangen juga, semua campur aduk.
di lingkungan baru ini, aku jarang nemuin yang kaya mereka.
yang rentangin pelukan tiap aku sedih,
yang kasih pundak tiap aku mau nangis, dan
yang siap luangin waktu & pasang telinga tiap aku mau cerita panjang lebar.
jarang..

coba bisa diulang lagi semua kejadian yang dulu-dulu.
kangen..
tapi ya namanya juga hidup.
kita harus maju ke depan, gak bisa lagi bergerak ke belakang.

hah,
satu lagi masalah di hidup ini yang belum bisa aku terima.

june 21'13

manusia.
mereka pikir, mereka tau segalanya. padahal enggak.
sok tahu!

setiap orang punya ceritanya masing-masing, iya kan?
heran..,
kenapa harus sih urusin cerita orang lain?
jadi figuran dari cerita itu aja enggak.

ih!

try, try, and try

have you ever felt like this?
when you finally could let someone you love found his new love?

i did.

i'm in the middle of feeling happy and sad.
happy because i don't have to think about him anymore.
and sad because i have to meet him everyday.
it hurts.
hurts not because he found his new love, but hurts because he reminds me of the memories. all of the memories i should forget.

oh, dear..
i have tried.
i have tried to let you go.
but this 'meeting', ruins everything.
i can't..
i can't..

but i have tried.

wise

when i was a kid,

i fell from the swings at school. 

it hurted my hands, 

but i did not cry for them 

because i knew,,

they never cried for me.

and then..,

i do the same thing now.

does it make sense?

dear, darling..

i didn't change
you did
you chose
someone else
over me
in the first place
i am not
your backup plan

-N.M-

letter one

dear my friend, loki..
this is the first time i'm writing a letter to you.
i write this letter because they said you will hear, you will understand.
so,
i've been through a hard week.
i cried all night long before i sleep.
i couldn't stop thinking about him (and her).
him. i'm still loving him.
it's such a stupid thing that i can't help.
oh..,
what should i do now? i'm so sad.
unbearably sad.
help me, loki.
help me.. :''(